Both my parents died this past year three months apart. Mom died September 21, 2014 and Dad December 25, 2014. They’ve been divorced for years and remarried. Dealing with this loss I find myself wondering exactly what the legacy was that they left me. Absent father, cold distant mother, I find it difficult at times to put into feelings this grief of mine.
I can’t answer for anyone else in my family, we all experienced our lives within the family unit differently. I can’t remember my natural father ever being in the home. My Mom remarried when I was about eight or nine years old. I left home at the age of 18. I myself have been married three times. Divorced twice and widowed once.
I have definitely had my fill of heartbreak and heartache. Wrong, wrong, wrong. Wrong relationships, wrong thinking wrong choices, so many things were wrong. I had such difficulty at times making a decision about important things. Then unimportant things. I remember thinking to myself, ‘Geez Mary just make a decision and stick with it, good or bad’. So much confusion set in. I had no parents to guide me, the people around me were not what you would call wholesome and healthy. I was very naive and I had two young children to take care of.
I made a LOT of bad choices. But what did I do? I hoped and prayed that the choices I made were good ones, if not I hoped the consequences were ones I could live with at the present time and in the future.
I can tell you now that some of the consequences I have lived with are hard to deal with at times. My family had no idea what I had to do to survive, how we lived, or where we lived. Or the shame and loneliness. Alone in everything I did, every aspect of my life.
The dysfunction in my life was beginning to take its toll. By the time I was a widow at the age of 30 I was exhausted from being surrounded by the constant downward spiral of my life. I kept thinking, ‘Why me God, I was a good kid, I didn’t hurt anyone why am I getting hurt all the time?
‘ I made a conscious effort to try to change my life, it was difficult. The past always wants to suck me back into its dark abyss. I thought of my children, what was I teaching them, in what ways would they remember me? Then it was all taken from my hands, not in my control anymore. I had a major life changing event happen to me my by a family member. I couldn’t stay around here any longer. I had to go, leave New York and head south to Florida. I moved my 18 year old son in with his father (he had an upstairs apartment). I took my youngest and moved.
I was trying to change inherent events. I refused to think that my children, the loves of my life were going to be cursed like I was. I wanted better for them, much better. The transition was extremely hard, I know my children didn’t understand why I had to do what I did. I often think of my own Mom when she remarried and we moved out from New York City to the suburbs of Long Island. Different motives, much different lives. What was I leaving my children? I had no money just a house. When I owned a house in Florida I wanted to leave it to my children, they refused, ” we don’t want anything Mom”. I became a nurse, bettering myself hoping my family would be proud of me. I know I was proud of me. It helped me mature in intellect and compassion. I am alive today because I changed. I know without having prayed I might have become a hard bitter woman.
I know that God places us in situations, good, bad or indifferent because its His choice for us not our choice, The way we come through all the situations we go through is what matters. People see what we’ve become and how we got there.
I know that when God put me in duress in Florida my life changed again dramatically. My legacy changed with it. We think we just live our lives la te da but there is a plan. Gods legacy.
[I went from all that struggle my entire life to a much more peaceful easy fulfilled life. I really like myself much more now. The legacy I leave will be one of forgiveness, peace, and freedom from the bondage of the past.
Blessings
After reading such a honest and from the bottom of the heart breaking words it should make us all think about our past!
I really hope the children from Mary will read this and maybe will try to understand some past and future issues.
I can feel and understand the pain and self critsism which I deal with myself on daily bases.
I know Mary for about 30 years and I can say she is the most honest woman and best friend I have ever met in may live. I wish we would have more such pure people in the word and live would be so much better.
Let me thank you Mary for these words and for being such a great friend.
May god look over her and bless her
Elke
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Thank you Elke for such a beautiful comment. We both have come a long way from where we were.The best is yet to come.
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Boy did you hit the nail on the head~ I have so many regrets in my life with the choices I made. All bad. Then you get to a certain time in your life, you think you’re making better choices. You try. Try harder. Some more valleys and mountains to climb. But you never give up, trying to be a better person. And you never stop praying. So. now you are older and wiser. Then your body takes a toll on you. Daily pain. But you keep moving and praying. Mary knows this better than I. But you try to keep your sense of humor, laugh at yourself when you do dumb things. I am blessed my oldest daughter is with me. Not a day goes by I don’t thank God for her and her help. Keep life simple. Every day I say I have enough. More than some. Be satisfied you get to live another day. You are given another chance. Smile/talk to a stranger. Help someone. Live your faith.
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Thanks Marianne for a great response. Many people don’t realize how important prayer and gratitude is in their daily lives.
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Mary, All I can say is… WOW! Another Awesome post! This comes straight from your heart and into mine. I thank you! May the Lord continue to Bless all that you do, my friend. ❤
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